The Pursuit of JOY

4.03.2012

So, in the past few days, I've realized that I'm hungry for something beyond what's currently on my plate.  I'm definitely still in the throes of trying to put words to this general feeling of unrest, so please bear with me as I try to hash it out here. 

It all started to surface last Thursday evening when I came home from work.  I had been out late on Wednesday night, so I was looking forward to coming home from work on Thursday, suiting up in my "sleep attire" (elastic waist sleep pants and a t-shirt), and getting horizontal on the couch.  I don't know what happened while I was on the train, but by the time I got home, I had no desire to get cozy and get lazy.  I felt restless, unmoored, and full of longing for something I couldn't quite put my finger on.  I could feel emotion rising from within, and knew that a good cry session wasn't too far behind, but I had no idea WHY.  

My sweet husband Jay didn't really know what to make of me, but he did know exactly how to help me.  You see, Jay and I have this secret weapon called "snuggles".  I know, fierce, right?  You know the saying, "The cure to everything is salt water: tears, sweat, or the ocean"?  Well, snuggles is our salt water.  It ALWAYS cures what ails us.  And it's not just the physical act of snuggling, it's the safe space we create while snuggling; a space where we drop all defenses, present our truest selves, and just get real about what's doin'.  Whenever we're fighting, if it escalates to a point of ridiculousness, it's not uncommon for one of us to say, "super emergency snuggle session - right now", and it always melts the tension and gets us communicating.  If there's one relationship secret I've learned over the past 15 years, it's the power of snuggles.

So, last Thursday while I was pacing around and wanting to crawl out of my skin for some unknown reason, Jay convened a snuggle session.  As soon as we laid down and he asked me what was up, it all started coming out, words, tears, everything.  See?  Salt water.  

I wish I had a transcript so I could share exactly what I said, but I basically talked about the importance of making meaning out of our lives, and questioning if I was doing all that I could to not only have meaningful experiences, but to attach meaning and process all experiences so that they ultimately have meaning.  Gosh, I just used the word "meaning" like four times in one sentence.  My bad.  

Essentially, I want to ensure that I'm creating and living the life that I envision for myself, and that is a life full of beauty, joy, passion and artistic expression.  I want to make sure that I'm not just living to accomplish certain things or attain professional ideals, but that I'm living to experience joy, beauty and passion.  I do NOT want to wake up in 20 years and realize that I've missed the point; that I've been so hyper-focused on being responsible and achieving the next age-appropriate goal that I've forgotten about the pursuit of joy.  

These thoughts and feeling are no doubt connected to the experience one of my friends is currently having.  My friend Jen recently quit her 9-5, sublet-ed her apartment, and moved to Costa Rica to teach English, but really to experience joy and to make meaning out of her life.  I SO admire Jen's decision, and feel inspired to take similar, yet different measures in my own life.  Not all of us can - or are interested in - leaving our everyday lives and moving to a new country.  But, we all can, and should check in with ourselves and make sure that the lives we're living are the ones we want.  Are we following our passions, or are we tied down by someone else's ideals?  In twenty years, when you look back, what will you regret?  Are we taking the time to really process our experiences and draw meaning from them, or are we just working for the weekend while crossing tasks off our to-do lists?  

As for me, I have always struggled with routine and the monotony that sometimes accompanies adult livin'.  I get that we all have to work to be able to afford the lifestyles we choose, and to pay back student loans.  I'm not trying to escape the reality of life (ok, you caught me, I kind of am).  I'm just saying that I need more than merely working to live.  I need joy, and beauty, and I need to be able to process all that and turn it into something meaningful that I can share with the world.  And my hope is that the joy and beauty stuff takes up a larger chunk of my time than the responsible "work" stuff.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my life and am stoked with the choices I've made thus far, I'm just trying to have an honest check-in about where I'm headed. 

I've never been someone who's professionally motivated.  Even when I went back to school in my late twenties, it wasn't for some future goal or career; it was something that brought me, ...wait for it... JOY.  I love learning and being intellectually stimulated.  But, the minute I had to start thinking about a career, well shucks, I lost interest.  But again, I get that we all need jobs, but I don't think I was put on this earth for my job.  I think there's way more important experiences to be had, and that's the realization that has bubbled up over the past few days.  

So what do I do with that?  I can't quit my job.  Do I need to look for more meaningful work?  Perhaps.  I think the real lesson for me in all of this is that I need to 1) Identify what my passions are and figure out what brings me the greatest joy, 2) Figure out how to spend the limited time that I have devoted to those things, and 3) Make sure that the life I'm living resembles the life I want to live, and eliminate - within realistic bounds - the stuff that detracts from the pursuit of joy.  Lucky for me, I know what brings me joy and how I can share it with the world; I just need to DO it.  

So, about that work thing... I need to work, but I can certainly find ways to make my work align more closely with joy.  What I'm more concerned about is maximizing my free time and using it proactively for the pursuit of joy or to make meaning out of my experiences.  In a nutshell, I want to make good choices, and not just be a victim of circumstance.  Life is short, and while I believe in destiny and fate, I also believe that we have the gift of choice, and that to some degree, our lives are what we make of them.  

So, that's where I'm at.  Ever since last Thursday, I've received an abundance of signs that I'm on to something with this whole joy/passion/limited time thing.  From facebook status updates to inscriptions in the sidewalk to professional presentations, the signs are telling me to follow my passion, to take risks, to live without regret, to travel more and to worry less about money, to follow my bliss, and to be passionate about my job. I don't know how to apply all this right now, but I got the memo, loud and clear.  For now, I'm gonna focus on writing, as writing is JOY, and is how I process life and make meaning of everything.  For me, writing is the cornerstone.  If I can devote more free time to writing, whether in this format or something more private, I will have taken a step in the write (pun intended) direction.  

In addition to writing, I want to work smarter but not harder.  Maybe I'll look into working 4 ten-hour days and having long weekends.  And maybe I'll seek out new travel opportunities, like visiting my friend Jen in Costa Rica, or visiting family in Northern California, or just getting in the car and going some place new.  Here's what I know: life is short.  I was 25 like 10 minutes ago.  I'm now 35.  I'll be 45 in like 5 minutes, so I should probably maximize my time and prioritize the pursuit of JOY and let the career chips fall where they may.  It's all about the joy, baby.  

So, thanks for reading this lengthy yet important post.  If the spirit moves you, please comment and share your own thoughts on how you make meaning of your experiences in the world, and what you want your life to look like.  I don't care if you're 18 or if you're 88 - we all have choices to make about tomorrow, and have unique experiences that inform those choices.  

I wish us all joy, a bit of restlessness, and ultimately, PEACE.  

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