Quiet, Silent Car

3.01.2011

It's no secret that I ride in the quiet car on the train.  I'm someone who deeply appreciates peace and quiet during my commute.  Nothing gets on my nerves more than people who talk on their phones on the train.  Ugh.  I realize they have every right to do this, I just think it's SO obnoxious and inconsiderate!  It's one thing to have a brief, quiet exchange, but what's with those people who think the train is their own private phone booth?  Um, we can hear you; we can ALL hear EVERY word that you say, despite your laughable efforts to be discreet.  There ain't nothin' private nor discreet about rush-hour.  

So... I love that SEPTA (Southeastern Pennsylvania Transit Authority) has devoted a car on every peak train to me and my fellow peace and quiet loving riders.  How considerate!  In my ideal world, there would be one "loud car" and the rest would be quiet, leaving all the loud talkers together, constantly trying to out-talk the others.  A girl can dream...

But for now, I have one lone quiet car, and it is my salvation.  I have 25 golden, quiet minutes before work, and 25 minutes of much-needed muteness after work.  Every now and again, someone gets on the quiet car that isn't hip to the rules, and starts blabbing away.  The tension is palpable, and every rider's blood is boiling - I can guarantee it.  It's like someone coming into the non-smoking section of a restaurant (when there was such a thing), lighting up, and blowing offensive exhaust all over the non-smokers.  You kinda feel bad, cause they don't realize the rules; they can't imagine that there are a tribe of people who crave quiet.  Quiet?  It's unfathomable to them.  Why be quiet when you can be LOUD!!!!!???  The noise offenders also don't realize that this entire tribe of quite-loving people are quietly hating on them and poking needles into the mouths of the voodoo dolls they're quietly holding.  What can I say, we're a quiet yet brutal bunch.  Don't mess with the muted.

This is when the rules of the quiet car all come down to enforcement.  Us quiet types can be a little passive-aggressive when it comes to "SShhhhhh"ing other people.  The last thing we want to do is add to the already annoying sound-scape, so we tend to stare and make all sorts of huffy, non-verbal gestures.  I'm ashamed to say, we're big on shaming.  Shame on you, loud person!  That's what we're thinking, every single one of us.  

Every once in awhile, a ballsy rider with chutzpah will shout "Shut up, it's the quiet car", but mostly it's up to the conductor to either enforce or ignore the rules of the quiet car.  Some conductors simply don't care, and are probably loud-talkers themselves when they ride transit.  They do not seem to respect nor enforce the rules of the quiet car.  All sorts of violations occur under their leadership, resulting in an angsty bunch of quiet-deprived commuters who seem to be on the brink of going postal, particularly on Mondays.  Other conductors are really great about enforcing and respecting the rules, and go about it in a kind way.

There is one conductor, however, that I liken to the Soup Nazi of Seinfeld fame.  You talk?   No train for you!  If you're going to talk in his quiet car, you might as well kill his family.  Same same.  Most conductors walk through the car and say "all tickets and passes please", but this guys respects quiet so much that he doesn't say anything, not a peep.  If he gets to your seat and you don't have your ticket or pass ready, he simply clicks his hole-punch clicker several times to non-verbally alert you of your failure to have your ticket or pass ready.  It's rather intimidating.  If he hears *any* talking, he will immediately approach the offender and call them out.  He is so quiet that he doesn't even announce the stops, leaving riders to guess which stop is next, which can be challenging in the dark.  

While I appreciate this particular conductor's adherence to the rules, I think he's gone overboard.  He makes me nervous.  The quiet car is supposed to be about peace, not fear.  Like I mentioned above, I don't mind minor infractions or the occasional noise; I just want a commute that is relatively free of chaos, noise, and tension.  I want quiet, not necessarily pin-drop silence.  This guy is so die-hard that I'm considering riding in the loud cars just to avoid him and his rigid ways.

Hmmm... wait a minute, I need to think this through; I need some quiet, preferably silence, to be able to meditate on this before I make a decision.  Lucky for me, I know just the place to find 25 minutes of guaranteed silence.  

Maybe he's not so bad after all...   But Shhhhh... don't tell him that - he'll kick you off the train!

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