10/1 - Awkward & Beautiful

I'm feeling a bit awkward tonight.  The Phillies just won the first game of the National League Division Series, Jay & I just had a fun night out, and it's the weekend!  All in all, life is good and I'm riding high on both post vacation and real life goodness.  I think I may be getting sick, but other than that, I have no real concerns.  I do have sadness, though.  

One year ago today, my Dad went from actively fighting cancer to receiving a prognosis of 4-6 weeks to live.  Read more about that here.  October 1st is permanently etched in my mind as a horrible day, yet October has always been one of my favorite months, so it's left me feeling totally awkward.  On one hand, October is the gateway to autumnal bliss; the temps cool down, the landscape turns from green to vibrant shades of orange, yellow, red and brown, and there's just an undeniable feeling of comfort and change.  But on the other hand, October has come to represent a time of suffering, sadness and great loss.  

How do I reconcile these two coinciding and competing feelings?  I have no idea.  All I know is that I have to honor both; I have to love October 1st like I always have, yet I have to hate October 1st, as I now do.  It's not just the 1st, either; I'm gonna have a tough time with all of October and November.  So that's what I'll be up to for the next few weeks; simultaneously loving and hating autumn.  I'll be clinging to memories of loss as I watch dead yet beautiful leaves fall from trees, and I'll be loving it for it's transformational, awesomeness.  What a beautiful, awkward mess.