heaviness

My heart is feeling so heavy tonight. As you guys all know, my dad is battling cancer. Battling cancer. That statement seems so canned, which I guess is representative of these times; we hear it so often. Who isn't battling cancer?

Anyway, some days I feel good and positive, and other days I feel like fear has it's ugly yet powerful hand gripped around my throat and is killing me. That is today. And that is because yesterday, I got news that my dad was instructed to go in for an MRI because the docs don't know what's currently wrong with him.

It's a long story, and not one I feel like re-hashing right now, but basically he is and has been suffering tremendous pain from side-effects of the different "treatments" and surgeries that have attempted to kill the cancer. Currently, he has intense pain in his entire head and neck, and the docs can't seem to understand why, thus the MRI. Now, it could be anything, but because the man has stage 4 cancer, the first thing that comes to my mind is that the cancer has spread, yet again, and that it's in his brain. PANIC MODE!

It's these moments in between diagnoses and real news that are the worst, because they yield the most "what if's?" and anxiety. "What if it's this? What if it's that? What if it's just a sinus infection?" But regardless of the final outcome, it makes me think of the worst case scenario, and I hate that about cancer: it makes you go there. And to make matters worse, my dad's birthday is on Thursday so today I had to go card shopping :( I have a tendency to cry in the card aisle on normal days, but today the waterworks were definitely in full effect.

Anyway, I'm just feeling all sorts of spun. I know that for me, when I'm feeling this type of panic and anxiety, I know that the antidote is gratitude. Gratitude always brings me back to center and makes me re-focus on the positive. It's the main spiritual principle that I live by and I know that it works, so with that, allow me to give thanks in order to relive my anxiety:

20 things I am grateful for today, January 12, 2010:

1. winter sunshine - cold reinvigorating air in my lungs and golden warmth on my face.
2. cooking dinner with my love
3. old friends - nothing quite like 'em!
4. being able to sleep in until 8:00 today - a rare occurrence
5. My health
6. New supplies from Staples - does anyone else love "sheet protectors" like I do?
7. Pandora music - best invention ever! I'm all about the Eddie Vedder station
8. Purpose
9. The ability to temporarily work from home
10. The kind and helpful staff at Kitchen Kapers
11. The power of snuggles (don't laugh)
12. The power of Facebook to connect people
13. The power of peanut butter on toast ;)
14. my fresh dry-cleaned winter coat
15. you
16. Ken Burns' series on the National Parks - it's amazing.
17. my cocktail - it's looking at me & begging me to put it on this list
18. feeling well rested, relatively speaking
19. the fact that I have one more semester :D
20. our couch, which if you haven't been devoured by, well, it's your loss ;)

Ok, so that's my list, and ya know what? i feel better. I feel good, in fact. Works like a charm every time!

If you choose to leave a comment on this post, I invite you to leave your list of what you're grateful for right this moment. It doesn't have to be 20 things; maybe three or five, or how ever many you wish to share, but please do share. And as always, thank you for listening. This wouldn't be anything without you guys...

A Christmas Story, by way of a Question

This post was originally just gonna be a question: "What colors do you see when you visit this blog", but I've gotta give the back story...

Imagine it: it's the night of December 23rd and Jay & I had determined that we would exchange gifts this night because we were scheduled to leave on the 24th for our holiday travel / family extravaganza. So we separate and go into different rooms to wrap gifts. In my head I'm thinking that he'll need a solid hour to wrap all of my gifts, both because he got me many, many gifts, and because well, he's a man and men are... let's just say that in my experience, men are not blessed with talent in the art of gift wrap.

About 15 minutes in to the wrap session, there was a rap at the door of the room I was in. It was Jay, joyfully letting me know that he was done and asking whether or not I was done. I quickly scanned the 3 out of 12 gifts that I had wrapped and politely let him know that 1) I was not done, and 2) I was very impressed with his ability to wrap ALL of my many gifts in such a short amount of time. I also secretly panicked, as we had not set an official spending limit and had simply agreed to spoil each other to a point that we felt comfortable with. "Oh crap!", I thought, what if I had gone way overboard with all of these presents and what if he had only bought me a pair of cute socks and a tube of Burts Bees. Nah. Never. Not Jay. Not in a million years. And so I dismissed the thought and wrapped on, for at least another 20-30 minutes.

When I finally emerged from the bedroom, I had to struggle to carry and see my way through the pile of neatly wrapped packages in my arms. By the time I got out to the living room where the Christmas tree was, I almost dropped them. Not because they were heavy or falling out of my arms, but because I saw what was under the tree waiting for me: 4 gifts. "Just four?", I thought, as I eyeballed the twelve that I had for him. Huh.

We shared a hug and both expressed utter excitement about giving each other gifts, and Jay says, "well you definitely win in the quantity department..." And since the joy is truly more on the giving side, I feel really excited and kinda feel bad that he only has four gifts to give me. poor guy.

So he starts opening my gifts to him: a really nice chef's knife, a Ken Burns documentary series, shirts, music, etc. He hands me one gift but states that 3 out of the 4 are all connected so I would need to open it, not look at it and just put it down and cover it up. "Huh,.. shady", I think. I open #1, put it down and cover it with wrap. I open #2, put it down and cover it with wrap. Meanwhile I give him more gifts to open: DVD's, another shirt, more kitchen stuff, etc. Finally it's time for gift #3, the one that is connected to and will explain #1 and #2; I open it and see that it's an electronic gadget. After a couple oohs and ahhs, and a "what is it?", I realize it's a GPS system.

{Before I proceed, I should tell you that I love maps and that I have a great sense of direction. In fact, I love to get lost for the sheer enjoyment of finding my way out. So a GPS system is the LAST thing I would want. It's like a chef getting a years subscription to "Microwave Meals". I also think that GPS systems are making people dumb, but that's a whole other blog}

I had to be honest, but I needed to buy myself another 20 seconds, so I was like, "ohhh, what is it? Ohhh, okay, well, um, I really, uh-- yeah I really don't want this. Sorry love, but it's not really me, ya know?" And Jay was like, "well I know how much you love maps (SO SWEET) and I thought it might be useful on our road-trip (again, very sweet and thoughtful), and I thought you might really like it" And I was like, "yeah, I like maps, when they're on the wall or in an atlas. Sorry presh" :( So there it was: 3 out of 4 of my gifts were a FAIL. 75% down the tubes. It was classic, and as disappointed as he was, he was a good sport and we were able to laugh pretty hard about it, which was a gift unto itself.

So it all came down to the fourth and final gift, which totally looked like a shirt box or maybe a board game. I picked it up and thought "yes, definitely a board game", which was cool cause games were on my list. I peeled back the upper left corner and just saw white. I ripped some towards the center and saw some pinkish / purple design. And then I realized: it was a new laptop :) And, it was a really really nice laptop; a MacBook Pro, which is an upgrade from my current one, which has recently started to become sluggish, burnt, and has possible and probable internal melt issues. EPIC SUCCESS! It was classic, 75% epic failure followed my a major face-saving gift. I'm so glad it wasn't a shirt! That would've been a total FAIL.

So anyway............... that's the back-story of the original question of this blog. On my old computer the colors are slightly different and I'm not digging the way my blog colors appear on this new laptop. And that has me wondering, what do you guys see? The color on the sides is supposed to be more pinkish, like Magenta, but on my new screen it almost looks more reddish, like Burgundy. And the text box is supposed to be brown or khaki but it looks greenish now. Either I need to tweak my screen colors or I need to tweak my blog; either way, I definitely need your help!

Thanks, and Merry Christmas! I hope your gifts, both received and given, brought as much laughter and joy as ours did :)

2010 - Year of Paper & Pen

Oh my God it's 2010. Really, stop and think about that. Say it out loud. Two thousand and ten. Twenty-ten. From a 2009 perspective, or even a 2002 perspective, I suppose it sounds and feels normal, but think back to the nineties, or the eighties, or whatever generation you came up in and think how futuristic 2010 sounds. I can remember riding the bus when I was in 4th or 5th grade (in 1989) and thinking about when my little sister would graduate from high school. I did the math in my head and determined that she would graduate in a new millennium; a millennium marked by spaceships and aliens, flying cars and floating cities. That's right, she was to graduate in the space-age of 2004. Ooooh. Imagine my surprise, years later, as I sat in attendance at her high school graduation, sans spaceships and aliens. Additionally, we drove there in our regular non-flying car, to a very regular, non-floating suburb. How disappointing.

So 2004 was a disappointment, but, according to my 5th grade logic, 2010 would officially be "the future". For sure there would be flying cars and Jetson-like lifestyles by then, right?

Hmmm, I'm not so sure. But it's all relative, right? If you look at how much has happened from 1989 to 2010, especially in terms of technology, I'd say "the future" has arrived. Who could have imagined iPods and laptops and the internet!!! What about blogs and those fugly Crocs, and even the show LOST! And hello, social networking, GPS systems, electric cars, iPhones, (F)Ugg(ly) boots, hybrid fruits and the Snuggie suit??? Heck, one of my oldest and dearest friends recently had robotic surgery -- that's right, robots operated on her. Crazy, really, really crazy, but true.

These amazing innovations are proof that "the future" is here. Maybe it's not as dramatic as I once envisioned, but it is creeping upon us slowly but surely, year by year. As much as I love some (definitely not all) of these innovations, I have my reservations. I think the one thing that scares me a little is our growing dependence on technology and how much of an instant, information-hungry people we have become. Think about it, with the click of a button on any one of our devices, we can access just about any information, music, person, show, game, etc. that we desire. The constant twenty-four hour stream of news, status updates, and messages means that we're always connected and available, whether actively or passivley. While there's undeniable great benefit to that, I think are major drawbacks as well.

One specific drawback, and one that has affected my life is the declining quality of my friendships and relationships. During these past few days, I've been on a mad cleaning and organizing frenzy in an attempt to restore order to my life. Long story short, I wound up going through the chest in the bedroom that holds, among other things, all of the letters and important pieces of mail that I've ever received. There are hundreds upon hundreds of cards, notes, letters, postcards and yes, even special emails and IM chats that I have printed and saved. So I wound up going through many of these letters and cards, and was absolutely amazed by a few things. First of all, up until maybe five years ago, me and my friends all kept in touch by mail and by phone. Seriously, we would send letters back and forth, and call each other regularly. What's amazing to me is that both modes of communication have died. I no longer talk to anybody on the phone, and I no longer write nor receive letters. For some reason I never really thought about this until I went through and read the piles of letters and saw how much quality stuff was in them.

The other thing that amazed me was how many really special people and relationships I have forgotten about and lost touch with over the years. I rediscovered old letters from past co-workers, distant friends, and random people who I've met over the years, and while the rediscovery of their letters brought great joy, they also made me sad that I no longer have these people in my life :(

These days, (geeze, I sound like I'm from the 1920's) my friends and I keep up with each other through text messages, status updates and the occasional email, and you know what? All things considered, I think that sucks. I really do. I get it that we're all super busy, trust me, I really get that, but busy or not, I miss real friendships and the effort it takes to nurture them. Technology has enabled us to expand our networks and to connect with a greater quantity of people, but for me personally, the quality of these connections is lacking.

So... along with my box of letters, I also found my box of stationary & stickers, and am eager to write you a letter, or draw you a picture, or write you a poem, or just send you an envelope full of love :) And I hope that you'll write back and that we can start something. But since my address book is not current, please send me your address at: stewmody@comcast.net.

So yeah, it's 2010 and I guess the future is here. Woo. While the rest of world waits anxiously for the newest technological innovation that will "advance" our lives in some ridiculous way, I will be writing you a letter in hopes of advancing our relationship in a meaningful way. I am officially declaring 2010 the year of paper and pen!

Sincerely,

Jen

PS. Happy New Year!

i am seeking...

I have one (yes, one!) semester left, and have been fantasizing about what my life will look and feel like once I am all done, for real. In a sense, I don't even know myself anymore, as I have been trudging through school-life for six years now, and I'm pretty certain, and hopeful, that 27 year-old me is somewhat different than 33 year-old me. How will I react to "normal" life? Will I be bored? Will I slink into a slump? Will I find new interests and new friends? These are among the many curiosities floating around my mind.

The only clues I have as of now are the ways in which I spend my break time. This isn't at all an accurate gauge though, as it's the holidays and one brand of busyness has replaced another. Plus, the forefront of my mind is already filled with thoughts of Spring semester and how to pull it off, again.

I imagine in the immediate aftermath of school (in June), I'll be busy trying to find a job, and we may be busy trying to find a house, and maybe even busy with baby stuff, but once all of the initial dust settles, I wonder what life, and what I, will look like. I can't say for sure, duh, but I do have some ideas of what I'd like my life to look and feel like. In a nutshell, I am seeking:

- some form of lifelong learning
- a career that makes me feel good
- a creative outlet
- a commitment to put family first
- a church or communal spiritual home
- a book club!
- a commitment to nurture new friendships, and old ones, too.
- a healthy lifestyle

I have posted this because I want, and need you to hold me to these ideals. I know that right now, the people who read this are my dear friends, and I am hoping that when the summer or fall rolls around, you guys can help keep me accountable for the things that I am seeking. This is your invitation to gently nudge me and encourage me to be the me that I seek. Let me chill and process the end of school through the summer, but if the fall rolls around and I'm still in chill mode, PLEASE, nudge me and ask what I'm doing to fulfill the life that I seek.

This is your mission. I hope that you'll accept it.

Thank you!

December 5th - again.

December 5th is a significant date for Philadelphia and snow. Of the past eight years, it has snowed five of those years on December 5th. And I would bet money that most of those years, December 5th was the first snow-fall of the season. Here were are in 2009, having our first snowflakes fall on December 5th, blanketing the region in a beautiful, "stick to each branch" kind of snow. Amazing.

The first snow comes with a feeling that no other seasonal change can offer: it comes with a visual and a toy. Although the leaves of autumn are a gorgeous visual, they change colors gradually. We tend to notice the leaves changing colors all at once, but the reality is that they begin their process long before we take notice. Autumn comes upon us gradually, and that is why it feels so good! But the first snow, wow, there ain't nothing gradual about it. On Thursday, a mere 48 hours ago, it was delightfully warm out. So much so that I spent much of the day feeling hot. And then today, I peer out my window and see the most beautiful big snowflakes falling all around, and in that instant, winter arrived. Maybe not technically, but according to my internal gauge, winter is here, and it is time to rejoice in the wonder of snow!

The great thing about snow, specifically Philadelphia snow, is that we rarely get it (for real), and when we do, it is rarely debilitating snow, ya know, the kind of snow that makes you hate snow. So the result is that most of us love when it snows. It's like this magical time when anything is possible; a time to hunker down at home with loved ones and watch movies on the couch, and equally so, a time to go outside and play in the snow!

...and that's why I've gotta wrap it up for now; it's time to go out and play, before it melts!

Happy December 5th - Philadelphia's unofficial "First Snow" holiday!

Phish - 10 years later...

Last night was like an out of body, dejavu type experience.

Jay and I found ourselves in a situation that was very familiar to us, but also made us feel like martians in a strange land. Yup, we were at a Phish show.

In the mid-to-late nineties, we used to see Phish all of the time, often traveling from one city to the next, planning our vacations around tour dates. It was such a good time; we both have so many great memories of certain shows, travel experiences, meeting up with friends in random places, and the music! Like all Phish fans, we were so bummed when in late 2000, they announced that they were taking a hiatus. What does "hiatus" mean? What would we do with our vacation time? Where would we travel to? I distinctly remember feeling so sad, because it was never just about the music; it was about the friendships made along the way and the experience of being part of something larger than oneself. Some look to religion for this feeling; we looked to Phish. So, without them, what were we supposed to do?

I guess the shortest answer is that we moved on; we diversified our musical tastes. But, two years later in 2002 when Phish announced they would end their hiatus with a New Years show at Madison Square Garden, Jay and I were there. Imagine it, after two years of leaving us hanging, our band was back and we were ready to pick up where we all left off; we were poised for some mind-blowing reunion.

Not so much. Phish came back with a phizzle rather than the bang we were expecting, and it was disappointing. But still, we chalked it up to a bad show, the pressure, and anything that could help us to reconcile our disappointment. It wasn't a tragic show, but it was certainly not where we left off either. We continued to see them a few more times, each show being slightly disappointing and leaving me generally unsatisfied. I felt like they never should have come back from their hiatus, because Phish of the early 2000's (is that even a phrase?) was not my beloved Phish, and I was slowly but surely turning into a sour-puss fan. They were fine, but I don't plan vacations around "fine"; I plan vacations around extraordinary. By the time they finally decided to end things for real and retire "Phish" in 2004, I was over it, grateful for all the good times, and wished them well in their pursuits as individual musicians.

Well here we are in 2009 and they are back yet again. I had no strong urge to see them, as I haven't been listening to their music in recent years at all, but last week when a friend called saying that he had two extra tickets, my curiosity got the best of me and Jay & I decided to seize the opportunity and go.

It was really strange, and I mean that in the best possible sense. Here we were, back doing what we used to do, yet by virtue of time and age, we are no longer who we used to be. Seeing them last night helped me to understand what happened (in terms of my reaction) when Phish came back from their hiatus in 2002; maybe it wasn't that they sucked, but maybe I had moved on and had a new appreciation for different music.

Last night, funky and tight Phish from 1997 showed up and put on a stellar performance, and I am grateful. I loved every minute; so many memories came flooding back with each song played and it was like seeing an old friend after years of separation. And if I were Jen from 1997, or 1999, or even 2002, I would be planning how I could score tickets to tomorrow's show or to the New Years run, but I am not; I am 2009 Jen and have other musicians to see, foods to taste, places to see, and experiences to be had. I am so grateful for everything that Phish has meant to me, both past and present, and I hope to see them again, but last night confirmed for me that although I love some live, '97-style Phish, I have indeed moved on. Some parts of the show fit into me like a puzzle-piece; some didn't fit at all. But all of it was truly bizarre, and great. I have to say that the crowd sucked though; many drunk, ignorant folks on their iphones. That is definitely a difference from the late '90's.

All in all, I am so glad we went. They are the same Phish that I loved ten years ago and it was great to see them and re-live some excellent times. But seeing them in the same spot made me grateful to be in a different spot. It's like going back to your home town: it's lovely to see your old town and reminisce with old high school friends, but at the end of the day, it's even better to move on...

I got "banged"!

After months of waffling back and forth between deciding to get bangs or not, I finally did it. I went to the hairdresser, sat down and was like, "I think I want bangs-- no, I don't think I want real bangs, maybe I just want like 'training wheel bangs', ya know, like short angles or something?" I made it clear that I needed a low-maintenance look but wanted one that was cute. The woman told me she'd give me short angles that i could either wear as bangs or that I could tuck behind my ears if I didn't like it. "Perfect", I thought!

So a few chops later and I had training wheel bangs. They were definitely cute, but once i got home I knew I wanted more of a bang, and knew I was ready to commit, so I got out my scissors and finished the job:


It's definitely the change I've been seeking, although it feels so weird to have hair tickling my forehead. What do you guys think? I like it because unlike my non-bang look, I have options with bangs; to the side, full frontal, clipped back, etc. And the best is that they are super low-maintenance! It was either bangs or bald, and I think I made a good choice :)

Post Keynote Analysis

I think it's important to start from the beginning, from when this gig first landed in my lap. It was about a month or so ago. I was at my internship (a dynamic non-profit seniors advocacy organization called C.A.R.I.E.) one day chatting with another intern, Ellen. She was going through her mail and opened an invitation to attend a training/conference on advocacy issues and energy resources for seniors. Ellen gave it a quick glance and handed it to me to see if I wanted to go. I read the invite pretty thoroughly... "Advocacy, Energy and the Elderly, November 18th 1:30 - 4:30, PCA, N. Broad St., panels of speakers and experts in the fields of advocacy and energy resources, blah blah blah, keynote speaker: Jennifer C. (my last name) from C.A.R.I.E., blah blah blah"...

WAIT - WHHAAAAT????

With jaw near the floor and eyes totally bugged out, I looked at Ellen, who clearly did not know my last name. "What?", she asked? "Uhhhhhhhhhhh, I AM Jennifer C. (my last name)", I said as I pointed to the name in bold on the invite. She looked back at me like there must have been a mistake. I agreed. Even though there only 15 employees at C.A.R.I.E., and I knew them all, I seriously thought that there may have been another employee who I haven't met named Jennifer C. There is no way that somebody would have signed me (ME!) up to do this. No way in hell. Ellen and I laughed it off to a zany coincidence and went on with our days. My field instructor (internship boss) was not in that day, so I just left the invite on her chair, with a sticky note that said, "what the hell did you sign me up for - LOL!" I totally thought this was a snafu.

Not so much. My field instructor did indeed sign me up for this speech, although to her credit, she did not know that it was the "keynote address" at a major conference; she thought it was just a regular presentation like a community outreach, which is much more normal and more appropriate for an intern to do. I don't know how that miscommunication happened, but it did, and now I was stuck doing this speech that I was already signed up for. Oh my GOD!

My task was to speak for 15 - 20 minutes about advocacy strategies. The length and topic were not what worried me, it was my audience that worried me. I felt like I had no credibility in the face of 200 professionals.

But, it was what it was and I had to suck up my anxieties and just do it. In the days leading up to the conference, I had so many papers and exams due at school that I had little time to devote to writing a speech, and I literally put it off until the night before (at 11:00), and finished it up while sitting in class the morning of the conference. Procrastination station! I was in a nice pocket of zen leading up to the event, but once I parked and started walking towards the building, I started seeing the crowds and started to feel consumed by anxiety. There were tons of people; very professional looking people!

Long story a little less long, I was introduced and stepped up to the podium to deliver my address. It was totally nerve-wracking, but I connected with a handful of audience members who were nodding along with what I had to say and who emanated a warmth and kindness that comforted me in that stressful situation, so I locked eyes with them when I needed to. It was important to me to be authentic and natural rather than be perfect and stick to the script, and I think that worked despite the occasional ADD moments. Before I knew it, I was done and was walking back to my seat amongst applause and smiles. Phhhewwwwww.......

Soon after I sat down, someone tapped me on the shoulder and told me that KYW (the news) wanted to interview me, so I walked to back of the auditorium and gave an interview. That was exhilarating while also being intimidating, because I'm learning about the the power that the media has in terms of spinning whatever you say in whatever way suits their agenda, so I was trying to speak the truth while also being conscious of the soundbite they would isolate and use.

After the news bit, I ran into some people I knew, both from school and from professional functions. I got some much-needed positive feedback about my speech and started to slowly but surely release some of the tension and anxiety that had filled my heart and mind prior to the speech. But - as soon as the conference ended, I had to race back to school to finish writing a paper, so I couldn't totally exhale and relax until later that night. And truthfully, I haven't been able to fully relax until right now. And damn does it feel good!

So, on my life-list of things to do, I can officially check off "deliver a keynote address". Check!

Sundays = the end of fun days

Sunday nights are so awkward.

One on hand I'm super-relaxed and full of goodness from a great weekend, but on the other hand, that is all behind me and I'm looking straight ahead into a super-stressful week full of deadlines, exams and public speaking. No more sitting around in my "elegant body wrap" (snuggie) drinking cocktails and planning adventures out west. Nope. It's time to buckle down and prepare for the long days ahead. It's time to write that paper that I've been putting off all weekend. Oh wait, did I say "that paper"?, oops, meant to say "those papers". Geed. It's time to study for those exams. It's time to prepare my speech for Wednesday, when I'll officially be able to cross "be a keynote speaker" off my list of things to do before I die. That's right, it's offical: I'm offical.

In an ironic twist of fate, er, awkward fate, I (a social work student) have been designated as the offical keynote speaker at a conference for professional social workers. So, I get to stand in front of a room full of 200 people with MSW degrees and tell them how to be an MSW. Is that not the most backwards situation you can think of?? My topic is advocacy strategies, so I think that's broad enough to where I can sound legit, but still, this tops the list of potentially awkward moments in my life. Stay tuned for some post-keynote analysis on Wednesday night.

So anyway, I'm just trying to enjoy some few last moments of calm before the storm. Unfortunately, the more I indulge in the calm, the worse the storm will be, so I better get to those papers and batten down the hatches for the work week ahead. Ugh.

Denver --> Vegas

Ok so the boat idea didn't work out because all in all it was just too damn expensive. But in the process of trying to make it work, and trust me, I tried to make it work from every single angle, a great idea was revealed to me. For instance, I was doing everything in my power to make an amazing rafting trip through "Cataract Canyon" happen. This trip started in Moab, Utah on the Colorado River. When I saw how pricey it was to fly directly into Moab, Utah, I thought, "Hmm, it might be cool to fly into Denver and rent a car and road-trip it through the Rockies to Utah". And once I made that a possibility, I fell in love with the idea. But then I realized that you can't do a one-way rental with the car rental companies that exist in Moab; we would have had to rent a car in Denver, drop it off in Grand Junction, CO and then take a $250 shuttle to Moab. Everytime I tried to "make it work", as Tim Gunn would say, the costs just kept increasing. And, we wouldn't want to go all the way out there without seeing some National Parks, especially Arches and CanyonLands, since they're right by Moab.

So I stepped back and analyzed the situation. As much as I loved the rafting plan, there were some serious downfalls with it:
1. the cost - we would be spending money that we didn't actually have just to make a 4-day raft adenture happen.
2. the limitations - we would only get to experience the river and not the surrounding areas.

And when I stepped back, I saw how much more we could do without the rafting trip, and I liked it. We could cover so much ground; we could cover so many parks, four states, mountains, desert, the quiet and desolation of southern Utah and the bling bling of Vegas, and we could have an amazing road trip, to boot. SOLD!

So the rough plan includes the following elements:
Fly to Denver, see some family and friends in Denver for a quick minute
Drive through the Rockies to Moab, Utah. Find hot springs along the way.
Visit Arches NP, possibly CanyonLands, possibly go horseback riding, possible take a day trip down the river, explore Moab.
Leave Moab and take scenic byways down to Bryce Canyon NP.
From Bryce, continue down to Zion NP
From Zion, head down to the Grand Canyon
From G.C. head to Vegas, possibly win money!

This is alot to do in ten days, so if you have any helpful bits of advice on how to make it work, please share. Our rough route is here, although this does not show the proper scenic route we'll be taking through the middle of Utah.

We are both so excited for this adventure, and it feels like exactly what I was seeking: a transformative adventure that will stir my soul. Yay!